This Blog is NON-SMOKING

I was originally going to name this blog "Above the Law", but changed it at the last minute in fear that readers would get it confused with the movie of the same name starring the great Steven Segal. Anyway, as you've probably figured out already, it's about smokers - and my clear distaste for them. Maybe I should replace "Distaste for them" with "Distaste for the things that smokers do that effect me and you".

The Litterbug
No - not a song by another great artist (Wham!), but the subject of probably the thing that irritates me the most about smokers. Personally, I don't liter. I throw garbage in its proper place. Trash can, waste receptacle, garbage can, waster paper basket - whatever you care to call it, that's where I dispose of my refuse.

I was recently (actually a year ago) in Tokyo, and could not believe how clean the streets and other public places were. I chalked it up to that the people living there have elected to not dirt-ify a place they need to live in. It's the same reason that your pet dog doesn't "Lift his leg" in his food bowl.

The most amazing thing about the cleanliness of Tokyo was that for a clean place there were NO garbage cans in the streets. This amazed me, and after a few days in the city I needed to know how this worked. It turns out that there was a terrorist scare (regarding a bomb put in a city street trash can), and as a result all trash cans were removed from public places. If this was done on a Monday, Tokyo should have been a pig-sty by Tuesday. But, as it turns out - the respectful people actually "Carry" their garbage until they arrive at a place that has the means to dispose of it. I kid you not.

Anyway - smoker or not, I'm pretty confident you know what one smoking outdoors does with a cigarette when they are done smoking it. If you don't I'll clue you in. They flick it onto the ground wherever they happen to be standing at that moment in time. Most folk don't even extinguish the butt - they just flick and keep on walking. No offense to anyone out there - but that is outright disgusting.

What separates the disposal of an old cigarette from the disposal of anything else? Should the new rule be just jettison your garbage to the ground (regardless of what it is) where ever whenever? We all know I like candy (though not now due to dietary constraints). Should I just flick the Kit-Kat wrapper and remnants of the bar that I elected not to eat to the ground when done? How about banana peals? Coffee Cups? 20 oz Soda bottles? I think you get my drift. What I really don't understand is what a smoker thinks is the future of the flicked butt. It will eventually get swept up and properly disposed of - just not by then.

I can't for the life of me come up with one reason why smokers should be permitted to liter. Actually I guess they are really not permitted to liter - they just elect to do it. Maybe they should take a lesson from Tokyo - a place which, by the way, has way more smokers per-capita then anywhere in the world.

Spending Habits
From what I gather when at the local convenience store or gas station, smoking ain't cheap. In some places a pack of cigarettes cost upwards of $7. The two-pack a day guy is ponying up close to $15. Assuming one buys in bulk and gets them for cheaper, it's still in the ballpark of $300 a month.

Today we are in an "Economic slowdown", "Recession" or whatever you want to call it. Folks are cutting back on purchases left and right. Scaling back on everything...except smokes. I have not seen or heard of a single case where "cigarettes" became the item cut from a persons bloated budget. They can live without everything else, including paying rent, but the cigs are here to stay.

Here's a real life example, and part of what caused me to pen this section of the blog. I was in a convenience store in an economically depressed town a while back when a grandmother and grandchild (age 8-9 maybe) walked in. The kid asked his grandma if he could purchase a cold gatorade out of the drink case. She said something to the effect of "Are you crazy...that cost's $2". She then proceeded to purchase a $44 carton of off-brand cigarettes. Pretty sad.

Generally speaking, I could care less how much money someone wastes on cancer sticks. Since a good portion of tobacco purchases becomes government tax money - then the more the merrier. The smoker is indirectly funding the running of the city, state and country. But, it is annoying when people are smoking on the unemployment line, while getting evicted from their apartment or while some poor kids leaves a store thirsty.

Update: I just read a magazine article which indicated that a pack of cigarettes in New York city is sold at the average price of $8.50. Unbelievable.

Work Stoppages
Most folks actively browsing the Internet (i.e. computer users) probably have no recollection of a time not too far ago when smoking was permitted in the workplace. I know, it sounds crazy that the person sitting at the desk next to you had a filled ashtray on their desk.

Once society realized that smoking is not good for you, some loose rules about smoking in the workplace were put into effect. I remember the rules at an old office I worked at. Our office was on the 3rd floor, and smoking was only allowed in the stairwells leading down to the lobby. It was very weird to see ashtrays, and of course stamped out butts, in an official exit way. Ironically, we were told to take the stairs in-leau of the elevator in the case of an office fire. Avoid smoke inhalation by running down a smoke-filled set of stairs. Just another thing that doesn't make sense.

Then came the day where smoking was completely banned in the office. Good idea, bad first round implementation. Why? Let's see...all the smokers gathered within five feet of the front door - in effect creating a "smoke scene" under the corporate awning. It became a horrifying event for a non-smoker employee to enter or exit the building. Smoke and cigarettes everywhere, and no way to avoid them. More on this when we get to second hand smoke.

The biggest faux with pushing smokers to the streets was the fact that their productivity was not at an all-time low. Think about it. If one smokes six cigarettes during a workday, this means that six times this guy/gal has to leave their desk, take the elevator down, light up, smoke and return to their desk. Nobody is doing all that in under 15 minutes. That's close to two hours a day lost to smoking. As a non-smoker I wish I could take two hours a day off (not including lunch) to do something that I like. Maybe take batting practice at the local park, or take in a movie.

Last but not least is the 15 foot rule. Now, smoking is not permitted within 15 feet of our building. Nice try, but no real value. All the smokers are still huddled up together, creating the same old smoke screen. They are just now doing it 15 feet from the front door. When I head out to by lunch I still have to make my way through smoke thicker than the mornings of bad fog.

Solution? Sure. Totally ban smoking anywhere near the workplace, and do not allow smokers to take four to six "breaks" a day. End of story. If smokers complain that their rights are being violated, then set them up with some sort of domed in area where they can smoke without annoying everyone and wasting half the day.

The Infamous 2nd Hand Smoke

Not much to say here. The sub-title says it all. I can't tell you how many times I'm walking down the street minding my own business - with a smoker walking in front of me. Every time they exhale smoke, I inhale their exhale. The smoke blows overhead and drops right in front of my grill. And I can't ever seem to dodge it. I duck right, the smoke ducks right. I move left, the smoke moves left. From God's ears to my lungs. Well, at least I'm not ponying up $8 for this privilege.

The same issue happens when entering or leaving an office building. I probably touched on this above (workplace stoppages) - and if so it's worth repeating. It's disgusting that I (and you) have to walk through a fog-like thick cloud of smoke while crossing in or out of a building. And when it rains or is cold out - fughetaboutit. The smokers huddle up looking for dry, warm turf. The mass push of outbound smoke hits all innocent parties.

Every once in a while you hear about a non-smoker who died from lung cancer. Though it's never been proved (as far as I know), some of this has to be attributed to second hand smoke. Now in today's society (with all the smoking bans) this is hopefully less likely to happen. But, just think an easy 10 years ago when smoking was vogue everywhere. I remember smoking being allowed in offices, in all public places - and even the hallways of my college. Yeah, you believe that? Everywhere one would turn - a smoker would be there.

Though impossible to chart, in those bad old days a non-smoker probably wound up "smoking" more in an average day than a smoker. Seems illogical. Like the old-wives tale about how you can drive home faster if you leave *after* rush-hour versus leaving at that moment. If this theory holds up - then it truly was healthier to smoke! The tobacco companies had it right.

A Step in The Right Direction

Many places have completely banned smoking. Most restaurants and similar types of public places. That is awesome. Last week I stayed in a 'Smoke-free' hotel. The hotel was completely smoke free. I had to sign a waiver while checking in that claimed if management proved I smoked in the room that I would be fined $300. Rockin!

In conclusion...Unless someone could give me a good reason to allow smoking in or anywhere near a workplace or public place for that matter...then it should be stopped. In the meantime, this blog remains NON-SMOKING.

Who'd I Vote For? N.O.Y.F.B.

During most of the Presidential campaign, and especially down the stretch, many people were asking me the big question: "Who are you going to vote for?". I dreaded this each and every time it happened - and internally sighed before answering.

Bartender's Know Best
When in college I worked several jobs to pay my bills. One of the jobs I always wanted and wound up getting was as a bartender. Since I knew nothing about how to tend bar - I had taken a two-week course at bar tending night school in order to get certified. Ten days of practical class, one written exam and I would be on my way.

As I may have mentioned before, I have no short term memory these days. You tell me a three-digit number now, and I will forget it in under a minute. Same goes with what I ate for breakfast or what side of the wall a light switch is located on. But, I remember with a high degree of exactness a few things that Yoda (my bar tending instructor) taught me.

One thing he taught me, which is not related to voting but I thought I'd share it with you, is how to scoop ice out of an ice chest. Sounds simple right? Most bartenders do it wrong. You never ever scoop the ice out directly with the glass. This is for the obvious reason that if the glass breaks, the entire chest of ice has to be dumped (in fear of serving someone a drink with chards of glass in it). You always scoop the ice out with the ice scooper. He would wrap the lesson by by saying "Don't be an Icehole". I thought that was pretty funny.

Anyway, he taught me something else that I have never forgotten. Most folks know this, or at least more than know the ice thing. It is to never discuss politics or religion while behind the bar. You want to talk sports, current events, last night's "Seinfeld" episode - all no problem. But layoff politics and religion as they are two of the taboo subjects that people can take a large offense to. Many mild mannered people wind up in fisticuffs, or close to it, over a simple discussion of politics.

Why Voting Booths Have Curtains
My favorite talk show host, the great David Letterman, said a joke about 20 years ago. And yes, this is another one of these things that I remember with uncanny accuracy. It was "Top 10 Voting Tips", and one of the ten was (paraphrased) "Enter the booth, pull the curtain and yell 'Hey, who used all the hot water'". I thought this was hilarious. And just for clarity for those who use a stall shower, he implied that you were entering a shower and the rest of the family used all the hot-water in the tank.

As I'm sure Dave knows, the curtain is there to protect the privacy of the voter. Voting is a private matter, and should be kept such. If I wanted you to know who I voted for, or was going to vote for if asked pre-election, I'd wear a button, t-shirt or hat with the candidates name on it. Many people do that, and they have no problem expressing their opinion. The irony is that these people probably never get asked who they are voting for since it's right out in the open.

So, did I respond to those who asked? And if so how did I do it? Well, yes I did respond, and I did it in a sheepish way. I would inquiry as to who the asker was voting for before answering. If he or she was voting for "My guy", then I would say "Yeah, me too, he's the one". If the asker was voting for the "Other guy", then I would usually tell them I was undecided. This way I defer the debate.

I'm sure you're itching to know who I voted for. Well, I'll give you the answer I should have given to all the others who poke at one of my constitutional rights with a stick, and the title of thie blog: None Of Your F***'n Business (N.O.Y.F.B.).

Blame It On The Rain

I grew up in an era where drinking water was a simple thing. You went over to the kitchen sink, turned on the water - and away you went. If you had a 'fancy' refrigerator, then you can tap the source there by applying cup pressure to the water dispenser. Either way - water was gratis.

Old School vs. New
Back in the day I had heard rumors about some product, and maybe even seen it up close once.it was this oddity called "Perrier". Perrier was bottled water that was served in fancy restaurants and sold in the Beverly Hills 7-11. It was French product, though probably bottled in Bayonne, NJ. This sounded like the most ludicrous idea ever. Who on earth is going to pay for water? It's like paying for air. The bottled water industry will never take off. It will be a fad or dud - like the pet rock.
Well, it's 20 years later - and boy id I get this one wrong. Bottled water, spring water, natural water and flavored water is now a zillion dollar business. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look someone is sucking down yesterday's rain in a plastic bottle. This is driving me crazy.

As I remain a hold-out to the water industry, and refuse to join society's quest to find the fastest way possible to waste money, I certainly don't mind that everyone else drinks bottled water. It does not bother me at all.

More For Less? (Actually Less for More)
Once can probably blog forever on the topic of liquid pricing (the price one pays to buy liquid). I'll try to focus on water only here. In some parts of the nation, more specifically places like arenas, theme parks, theaters, etc., a half-liter single serve bottled water could run you $3. I'd bet the ranch that the U.S. Open tennis tournament in Queens charges even more than that. $3 for something that costs more to bottle and deliver than the product itself. Where I take issue is that if you go to your local "Price club" (or sometimes even the supermarket), you can often buy 24 bottles of the same exact product for close to the same exact price (~ $3). How can 24 of something be sold for the same price as one of something? The whole world's off it's rocker. I guess there's something to be said for convenience.

Bad News for You
Some folk exclusively drink bottled water - and refuse to touch tap water with a 10-foot pole. If you're one of them - I'm going to debrief you on something you probably already know. Every time you use a product called "Ice" it comes from the same place that tap water does. So, the next time you order a "Gin and squirt", "Grey Goose and cranberry" or "Bull Shot" - remember, you are partially drinking some of the finest local water around! This goes doubly for anyone who orders a fountain soft drink at your favorite eating establishment. Soft drinks by default or mostly water (and trust me - it ain't imported), and when you add ice then you are pretty much drinking "Sugar tap water".

HHmm...This blog has given me an idea. I wonder how the world will warm up to the idea of buying "Natural Spring Ice". Twice the cost of regular ice, except our bag has a picture of a moose in the sunset on it. Maybe this idea is 20 years ahead of time, just like "Perrier".

Funny...How?

Many moons ago a co-worker approached a bunch of us around the water cooler and said that the previous evening he had seen a hilarious movie entitled “The Cowboy Way”. Maybe you remember it – but hopefully not. It was a bomb starring Woody Harrelson and some other guy. Anyway, luckily I made a rare wise decision and didn’t pony up my $7 and dedicate two-hours of my time to see it. One of the other unfortunate souls within earshot of the movie review actually did. Low and behold it was awful. It had something to do with a Cowboy type making his way around New York City. Think “Crocodile Dundee”, but wearing a different style hat.

Comedy Gold?
On the flip side, maybe you remember the comedy classic “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalow” (DB:MG)? I recall with great accuracy how I smirked and squirmed every time I saw a commercial for this obvious un-funny movie. It looked really bad from a distance. The Saturday after it was released in theaters my wife was going to the movies with a friend. I don’t know how it happened, but they wound up seeing DB:MG. Maybe the choices were that or anything starring Ben Affleck.

I waited at home with baited breath for the report of how bad this movie was, and how the audience threw food at the screen and demanded a refund. The results were quite the opposite. She had said that the movie was unbelievable funny – and a must see. She even offered to see it again if it helped getting me to the theater. I appreciated the offer, but told her I would wait for the video-store release.

We rented DB:MG the first day it became available. With the skepticism radar on, I watched the movie in full. I was shocked beyond belief that it was potentially one of the funniest movies I had even seen. Low brow humor at best – but it was all aces. I’ve probably watched it a half-dozen times or more since then. If you haven’t seen it yet, I advise you to rent or buy the DVD today.

The point of all this is that we all have different views of what’s funny. Sometimes it’s because of age gaps, other times it’s just because of personal taste. Even right here right now I’m sure that most readers of this blog think it’s side-splitting funny, but I’m sure there are a handful of dullards out there who think it stinks.

I have never seen a single episode of: “The Simpsons”, “Cheers” or “Will and Grace”. Yet, I can describe with great accuracy the plot of any episode of “curb your enthusiasm” starring the great Larry David. Most folk go the other way and think that I “Missed the boat” on are the great shows listed above, and Larry is annoying, boring and impossible to watch.

Will America ever agree on what’s funny? Not until tonight’s episode(s) of “Seinfeld” airs. Now that’s funny stuff, and probably the one and only time nobody at the water cooler got screwed out of time and/or money.

I Love Baseball - The World's Most Annoying Sport

With the Phillies winning the World Series recently figured this would be a good time to vent some of my frustrations with America's past-time. And let me reiterate what I said in the title - I love this game. I've played baseball from pee-wee little league to the present (big Wiffle-ball tournament coming up in 2 days). As a kid I would go to watch the Met's all summer long - including all scheduled double-headers. You know - that extinct species which was 2 games for the price of 1. I can probably punch out 50 pages on my complaints - but will spare you the agony and limit it to just a few.

Base Brawl
We've all seen fights break out during an MLB game. Pitcher throws at hitter. Hitter drops his bat and charges the mound. Arms flail, maybe one of the guys takes a shot to the jaw. Usually not though - just a bunch of guys rolling around on the grass. The annoying part is that it becomes a bench-clearing brawl. 30+ players and coaches (from each time mind you) charge onto the scene - as if they are giving away free t-shirts or something. These "Gang busters" do nothing more than block the view of us, the home viewers, trying to see the fight at hand. It's just a bunch of sissies in tight pants acting tough. And here is the absolute worst part about it. It's when the overweight middle-relief pitcher that was previously napping in the bullpen decides to join the melee. He'll come blasting out of the door of the outfield fence like a bat out of hell. Then comedy sets it. This "Athlete" runs out of steam about 1/3 of the way to the actual fight scene - and then decides to walk the rest of the way (if even that). Some even decide to just stop and watch from center field. Thanks buddy. Glad to have a teammate who cares enough to leave his seat to help, but then throws in the towel 10 seconds in. Though I don't agree with fighting in the NHL or NBA - at least Hockey and Basketball got it right. In the NHL the refs let the two players duke it out and then break it up when it gets boring. The NBA fines and suspends any player who leaves the bench during a fight. That's a great rule (even though it cost the NY Knicks a playoff series against the Miami Heat back in the day).

Pyramid Scheme
Agents claim that their clients should be paid in accordance with the profits they generate for a team. In other words if the Yankees remain "profitable" as a business, then it's OK and fair for most of the players on their roster to make in excess of $10 million a year. I don't mean to use the Yanks as an example, though they are the obvious choice. Anyway, the agents B.S. is duly noted - but the issue is that this works in a backwards fashion. The profits are dictated by the cost of doing business. So (simplified), if a team has a $200 million payroll, they need to generate more than that to be profitable. Well, how do you accomplish this? Simple - charge $100 per ticket, $8 for a beer and $9 for a foam finger souvenir. How about we pay all players the league minimum (about $300k per year). That would put these "workers" in the top 5% of income earners in the country. Not bad for playing a game. This way ticket prices can come back down to double-figures. And maybe I won't feel like giving the concession stand "The finger" when ponying up $$$ to buy "The foam finger".

Success...At a Cost
There's an undocumented rule in baseball where if a batter or batters have consecutive success against a pitcher in a game...that he (or the next batter in the lineup) is due to get beamed in the back with a 90mph fastball in the next at bat. Here's two examples: If a batter homers twice in a row off the same pitcher in a game, he is likely going to be "thrown at" in the third at bat. If two batters in a row hit a home run off the same pitcher, it is likely that the innocent next batter in the lineup is going to be delivered a message via being stung with a pitch. This is outright ridiculous. Maybe this will end when one of these "Victim of circumstance" hit batsman gets permanently disabled as a result of this action.

Miscellaneous
1. The Manager and coaches should stop wearing uniforms. They are not playing and I don't understand it. If anything it does add some humor to the game.
2. Suspending a starting pitcher for three games (for whatever the infraction)...when he pitches once every five makes no sense. He would be sitting on the bench those three games anyway.
3. Fining a player who makes in excess of $5 million a year $10,000 is meaningless. It's the equivalent of fining you or me $10.

Weight Loss - Part Deux

I always need a "push" or incentive to get anything rolling. This includes, but is certainly not limited to, the diet that I need to be on right now. Last year (actually two years ago), that push came when I got invited to compete in a "Biggest Loser" contest.

30 Days in the Hole
30 Days to lose as much weight as possible (on a % basis). $10 kicked in by all participants. Well, I dropped 25 lbs. in the 30 days - and finished second. And no, I won't publicize the % of weight lost - since this will allow your average math guru to figure out my "start" weight.

And Boom Goes the Dynamite
About a month or two after the contest ended my weight started to slowly but surely creep back towards well too familiar territory. Before I knew I was back where I started at the original start weight. I was quite disgusted with myself.

Destiny Turns on the Computer
Last Sunday (almost two years after the contest and being back at my max weight) the weather was uncharacteristically hot for this time of year. With that, it was very hot inside my house as well. On general principle I wasn't going to turn on the air conditioner (come on...it's almost November). I needed to head upstairs to my office for the important task of checking the football scores. I labored to my desk, sat down, and then it hit me - almost literally. I was sweating profusely, out of breath, and feeling like I was going to faint. Truth be told, I thought I was going to keel-over and kick the bucket right there and then.

Back On The Wagon
So, on Monday at 1:30AM I said goodbye to the way of the old (by woofing down a nice bowl of ice cream), and said hello to the way of the new (strong low-fat diet, exercise and whatever else it takes). Where will this take me? Hopefully out of the abyss.