Who'd I Vote For? N.O.Y.F.B.

During most of the Presidential campaign, and especially down the stretch, many people were asking me the big question: "Who are you going to vote for?". I dreaded this each and every time it happened - and internally sighed before answering.

Bartender's Know Best
When in college I worked several jobs to pay my bills. One of the jobs I always wanted and wound up getting was as a bartender. Since I knew nothing about how to tend bar - I had taken a two-week course at bar tending night school in order to get certified. Ten days of practical class, one written exam and I would be on my way.

As I may have mentioned before, I have no short term memory these days. You tell me a three-digit number now, and I will forget it in under a minute. Same goes with what I ate for breakfast or what side of the wall a light switch is located on. But, I remember with a high degree of exactness a few things that Yoda (my bar tending instructor) taught me.

One thing he taught me, which is not related to voting but I thought I'd share it with you, is how to scoop ice out of an ice chest. Sounds simple right? Most bartenders do it wrong. You never ever scoop the ice out directly with the glass. This is for the obvious reason that if the glass breaks, the entire chest of ice has to be dumped (in fear of serving someone a drink with chards of glass in it). You always scoop the ice out with the ice scooper. He would wrap the lesson by by saying "Don't be an Icehole". I thought that was pretty funny.

Anyway, he taught me something else that I have never forgotten. Most folks know this, or at least more than know the ice thing. It is to never discuss politics or religion while behind the bar. You want to talk sports, current events, last night's "Seinfeld" episode - all no problem. But layoff politics and religion as they are two of the taboo subjects that people can take a large offense to. Many mild mannered people wind up in fisticuffs, or close to it, over a simple discussion of politics.

Why Voting Booths Have Curtains
My favorite talk show host, the great David Letterman, said a joke about 20 years ago. And yes, this is another one of these things that I remember with uncanny accuracy. It was "Top 10 Voting Tips", and one of the ten was (paraphrased) "Enter the booth, pull the curtain and yell 'Hey, who used all the hot water'". I thought this was hilarious. And just for clarity for those who use a stall shower, he implied that you were entering a shower and the rest of the family used all the hot-water in the tank.

As I'm sure Dave knows, the curtain is there to protect the privacy of the voter. Voting is a private matter, and should be kept such. If I wanted you to know who I voted for, or was going to vote for if asked pre-election, I'd wear a button, t-shirt or hat with the candidates name on it. Many people do that, and they have no problem expressing their opinion. The irony is that these people probably never get asked who they are voting for since it's right out in the open.

So, did I respond to those who asked? And if so how did I do it? Well, yes I did respond, and I did it in a sheepish way. I would inquiry as to who the asker was voting for before answering. If he or she was voting for "My guy", then I would say "Yeah, me too, he's the one". If the asker was voting for the "Other guy", then I would usually tell them I was undecided. This way I defer the debate.

I'm sure you're itching to know who I voted for. Well, I'll give you the answer I should have given to all the others who poke at one of my constitutional rights with a stick, and the title of thie blog: None Of Your F***'n Business (N.O.Y.F.B.).

Blame It On The Rain

I grew up in an era where drinking water was a simple thing. You went over to the kitchen sink, turned on the water - and away you went. If you had a 'fancy' refrigerator, then you can tap the source there by applying cup pressure to the water dispenser. Either way - water was gratis.

Old School vs. New
Back in the day I had heard rumors about some product, and maybe even seen it up close once.it was this oddity called "Perrier". Perrier was bottled water that was served in fancy restaurants and sold in the Beverly Hills 7-11. It was French product, though probably bottled in Bayonne, NJ. This sounded like the most ludicrous idea ever. Who on earth is going to pay for water? It's like paying for air. The bottled water industry will never take off. It will be a fad or dud - like the pet rock.
Well, it's 20 years later - and boy id I get this one wrong. Bottled water, spring water, natural water and flavored water is now a zillion dollar business. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look someone is sucking down yesterday's rain in a plastic bottle. This is driving me crazy.

As I remain a hold-out to the water industry, and refuse to join society's quest to find the fastest way possible to waste money, I certainly don't mind that everyone else drinks bottled water. It does not bother me at all.

More For Less? (Actually Less for More)
Once can probably blog forever on the topic of liquid pricing (the price one pays to buy liquid). I'll try to focus on water only here. In some parts of the nation, more specifically places like arenas, theme parks, theaters, etc., a half-liter single serve bottled water could run you $3. I'd bet the ranch that the U.S. Open tennis tournament in Queens charges even more than that. $3 for something that costs more to bottle and deliver than the product itself. Where I take issue is that if you go to your local "Price club" (or sometimes even the supermarket), you can often buy 24 bottles of the same exact product for close to the same exact price (~ $3). How can 24 of something be sold for the same price as one of something? The whole world's off it's rocker. I guess there's something to be said for convenience.

Bad News for You
Some folk exclusively drink bottled water - and refuse to touch tap water with a 10-foot pole. If you're one of them - I'm going to debrief you on something you probably already know. Every time you use a product called "Ice" it comes from the same place that tap water does. So, the next time you order a "Gin and squirt", "Grey Goose and cranberry" or "Bull Shot" - remember, you are partially drinking some of the finest local water around! This goes doubly for anyone who orders a fountain soft drink at your favorite eating establishment. Soft drinks by default or mostly water (and trust me - it ain't imported), and when you add ice then you are pretty much drinking "Sugar tap water".

HHmm...This blog has given me an idea. I wonder how the world will warm up to the idea of buying "Natural Spring Ice". Twice the cost of regular ice, except our bag has a picture of a moose in the sunset on it. Maybe this idea is 20 years ahead of time, just like "Perrier".

Funny...How?

Many moons ago a co-worker approached a bunch of us around the water cooler and said that the previous evening he had seen a hilarious movie entitled “The Cowboy Way”. Maybe you remember it – but hopefully not. It was a bomb starring Woody Harrelson and some other guy. Anyway, luckily I made a rare wise decision and didn’t pony up my $7 and dedicate two-hours of my time to see it. One of the other unfortunate souls within earshot of the movie review actually did. Low and behold it was awful. It had something to do with a Cowboy type making his way around New York City. Think “Crocodile Dundee”, but wearing a different style hat.

Comedy Gold?
On the flip side, maybe you remember the comedy classic “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalow” (DB:MG)? I recall with great accuracy how I smirked and squirmed every time I saw a commercial for this obvious un-funny movie. It looked really bad from a distance. The Saturday after it was released in theaters my wife was going to the movies with a friend. I don’t know how it happened, but they wound up seeing DB:MG. Maybe the choices were that or anything starring Ben Affleck.

I waited at home with baited breath for the report of how bad this movie was, and how the audience threw food at the screen and demanded a refund. The results were quite the opposite. She had said that the movie was unbelievable funny – and a must see. She even offered to see it again if it helped getting me to the theater. I appreciated the offer, but told her I would wait for the video-store release.

We rented DB:MG the first day it became available. With the skepticism radar on, I watched the movie in full. I was shocked beyond belief that it was potentially one of the funniest movies I had even seen. Low brow humor at best – but it was all aces. I’ve probably watched it a half-dozen times or more since then. If you haven’t seen it yet, I advise you to rent or buy the DVD today.

The point of all this is that we all have different views of what’s funny. Sometimes it’s because of age gaps, other times it’s just because of personal taste. Even right here right now I’m sure that most readers of this blog think it’s side-splitting funny, but I’m sure there are a handful of dullards out there who think it stinks.

I have never seen a single episode of: “The Simpsons”, “Cheers” or “Will and Grace”. Yet, I can describe with great accuracy the plot of any episode of “curb your enthusiasm” starring the great Larry David. Most folk go the other way and think that I “Missed the boat” on are the great shows listed above, and Larry is annoying, boring and impossible to watch.

Will America ever agree on what’s funny? Not until tonight’s episode(s) of “Seinfeld” airs. Now that’s funny stuff, and probably the one and only time nobody at the water cooler got screwed out of time and/or money.